Following a hard conversation with a friend of mine, I found myself feeling irritated, angry and frustrated. It was a total over reaction to the situation and I was surprised to hear the words and the tone of voice I was using. Something was off, there was only one thing for it, I took to the page and journaled.
Have you ever reacted in the moment and wondered where it came from feeling a bit surprised about your own behaviour……. Or is that just me?..... I have found the immediate situation is rarely the root cause of the emotions and subsequent feelings I experience. But now when this happens I know I have to give myself some space, I go for a walk, do some yoga and then take to the page and write about how I am feeling.
So it turned out that it wasn’t the fact that I was annoyed at my friend for changing our plans , or the fact that they said something that really got my goat but my annual breast cancer screening is due and I was scared. This will be check-up number 5 and while the impact has got so much better I still get a little tense when the time comes.
My first follow up breast scan was as traumatic as getting the cancer diagnosis, my mind was empty but my heart was racing, I felt like I was being lightly electrocuted with a constant buzz going around my body with some external shaking in my left leg and clammy hands. Leading up to the scan I had not spent any time thinking about it or talking about it, I only told 1 person I had it I just wanted it to be over with no fuss or dramas so I could get on with my life. This had been building up for 3 months and I didn’t even know it. It is only on reflection that I recognised it.
10 minutes before I got in the car to make the journey I burst in to tears, It came from nowhere I was completely surprised. The memories came flooding back about all the times I had made that journey over the previous year, the first time I sat in the waiting room waiting to get the results of the biopsy and hearing the words, “its cancer”, that long drive home staring out the window thinking and feeling nothing, going back every 2 weeks for updates on my treatment plan, going in for the surgery, follow up checks and the daily journey I drove for 4 weeks for radio therapy getting more tired and skin getting more sore as the weeks went on.
The friend I had told about the scan called me as I got in the car and talked to me for the whole journey. I didn’t ask them to, they remembered and called at exactly the right time. I can’t remember what we talked about but I know it wasn’t breast cancer or scans it was just normal conversation about random things, probably some kind of question about 80s kids programmes, why did Bungle only get dressed when he went to bed? What was that all about? (for those under the age of 35 this was a children’s character, a bear, who wore no clothes at all until it was bed time and then you saw him in PJs!) ) a normal conversation for us . I was so grateful to him for that and giving me what I needed when I didn’t know it.
Now 4 years on I can still get caught out with the initial feelings but I notice them earlier every time and give myself what I need to process the deeper feelings that allows me to keep it where it needs to be and focus on doing what I need to do. Be kind to myself, take the pressure off myself around this time and remember that this is only a scan and there is nothing scary about it.
Not thinking about it caused me stress and anxiety, but now I acknowledge it and give myself time to put what is in front of me in to perspective it is nowhere near as scary and I can keep it where it is today and not live in the past.
Its only when we think there are monsters under the bed that we are scared, but when we look and find they aren’t there the fear melts away.
These tools are not only useful for my scans but for when I am in any situation where my stomach turns over, my heart starts to race and I feel like I want to be anywhere other than where I am right in that moment. Yes when I feel fearful of something.
I never want to rid myself of fear, it is important it can keep me safe, but sometimes I can see fear where there is no need for it, by acknowledging it and delving in to it I can chose a more appropriate and kind response for me and for those around me.
As always this is a constant work in progress for me, forever trying my best I have by no means nailed it, but what I have nailed is that I keep trying and learning.
I invite you to think about how fear might show up in your body as the first step to changing your response and becoming in control of your feelings and responses.
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