The feeling that you should be ok but you're really not ok is where I meet you.
The worst bit of my journey with breast cancer from an emotional point of view, wasn't the day I found the lump, it wasn't the day I got the diagnosis, it wasn't the sleepless nights I had with racing thoughts about my future, it wasn't telling my family, it wasn't the operation, it wasn't seeing the scar for the first time, it wasn't the taking of the drugs and all the treatment that followed ... as awful as all those aspects were ... the worst bit was the weeks, months and years that followed after finding out that I no longer had cancer in my body.
I should be jumping for joy, right? I should be on cloud nine? Carefree? Finally able to start my life again. Hmm, no ... it was at this time that all the traumas I had been through (some of which I mention above) finally started to surface for me to sift through and process, while all the time thinking to myself 'I should be ok, I no longer have cancer’. Cancer was in my body for 3 months but the impact lasted much longer.
I often liken this time to how people might feel when a loved one dies, the death happens, then the planning of the funeral takes place, then the day of the burial or cremation, and then the wake. Then as the door closes on the last guest ... the mourner is left ... what next now all of that focus has vanished?
It’s often then that reality sets in alongside that feeling of 'I should be ok' because everything on the outside has been taken care of. It's often then that on their own the person left starts to sort through the wardrobes and everything from the back of the closets gets taken out and examined and every minute that passes feels like learning to live again.
If you can relate to the feeling of 'I should be ok because I'm cancer free now' but you really don't feel ok .. you are not alone. On my last day of treatment there was no bell ringing, I just got in my car and drive home and I should have felt elated but I didn’t. It's a really common feeling, completely normal and there are people that can help you through it. I specialise in helping women recover who they really are and reconnect to themselves so they can start living their best lives. I do it with patience, understanding and gentleness having been there myself... and I also walk my talk.
My life completely changed not necessarily after breast cancer but certainly after all the processing that followed. I changed my job, my house, my relationships and this spring and summer I will be living vanlife with my dog Bodhi while helping women like you (relating to this blog right now) recover and reconnect.
I'd love you to contact me to fix up a free no obligation half hour zoom session if you think you should be ok but you really aren't. Perhaps I can help?
Its okay not to be okay.
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